He Sure Has Cojones!

Even though one of us is currently out of town getting paid for one of our all-time favorite activities*, we both felt that this story was just too good to keep from you any longer.

We recently got a call from Political Candidate. Had this been just a few months ago, this communication would not be such a shock; however, since we had not heard from him and since he neglected to respond to a few very important issues that occurred as a direct result of him, this call came completely out of the blue. While we contemplated letting him head straight to voicemail, we decided to take any opportunity to slash his machismo, figured that it had to be that good, and answered. This is the conversation:

Burned: Hello?

Political Candidate: Hi, Burned.

Burned: Hi, Political Candidate.

PC: Do you still have those GED books** that I left at your house awhile back?

Burned: Probably.***

PC: Well, do you think that if you find them we could make an arrangement for me to get those back?

Burned: Maybe.

PC: Okay. Well, if you could just let me know when you find them, I'd really appreciate it.

Burned: Goodbye.

Click.

(Please note how difficult - and liberating! - it is for us to assume a one-word-response persona. If you can't figure out through this venue, we like to talk. A lot. And we sure have a lot to say to this character!) So, after the two of us intelligent women discussed PC's obvious idiocy, we came up with a wonderful solution and called him back five minutes later:

PC: Hello?

Burned: Hi! So, I just found those books, and I'd be happy to give them to you...

PC: Oh, great!

Burned: ...as soon as you give me back the camera! (Spoken in a super peppy, sing-songy voice.)

PC: (Dumb silence.) What camera?

Burned: Oh, you know, the one I bought you for Christmas a week before you broke up with me.

PC: Oh, I don't have that anymore.

Burned: Totally fine! I'll take the money instead.

PC: Um...okay.

Burned: Okay, great! Talk to you later! Bye!

Click.

We must explain, dear readers: we are not spiteful, malicious, vindictive women. Instead, we are actually quite compassionate, kind, and caring. However, we make an exception with PC. This ignoramus accepted an expensive camera****, several other time-consuming and thoughtful gifts, and presents for his two children, all of which totaled a nice sum of money; in return, he gave us nothing but a break-up for Christmas. In essence, he stole from a poor, hardworking teacher - and feels no remorse. All of our benevolence is tossed to the side when dealing with a sociopath.

Because we are fairly certain we will not be receiving $200 from this fool, we generated a few alternative ideas:

1. Write informative messages and draw insightful pictures on every other page of the books and send one to his ex-wife (who we are certain is no longer an ex) and one to his boss.
2. Send the books with an informative letter to the community college to which the books belong.
3. Hand-deliver the books to his office and ask to speak with his boss, or stop by his ex(?)-wife's house and speak to her about the imbecile she married.
4. Hold on to them until the next political election he is daft enough to enter.
5. Keep them forever and ever.

And we are open to any other suggestions you may have! Please, please, please enlighten us!

Brown rice and pine nut tabbouleh

*Judging people - more on this when she returns

**His job entails him working with high school dropouts. (Please keep in mind that the only reason we are defending this is so that we don't look like idiots - if it helps you to envision him as a GED candidate himself, by all means, go for it!)

***They are currently on the floor next to the paper shredder, two feet from where we were sitting - along with two of his library books.

****This is in addition to the camera he most certainly stole from our parents. We only hope his current girlfriends and/or wives are enjoying this new technology.