Bated Breath?

Even though we haven't heard from you, most likely because it is a sensitive topic and you are embarrassed to ask, we know you're wondering about the aforementioned boob rash and sprained ankle. So, we'll tell you.

Boob Rash: there's a rash on a boob, perhaps from a spider. That's about it.

Sprained Ankle: it's big, and it hurts. That's about it.

The Discovery Channel called us yesterday for further details, but we're holding them off until we get an agent.

What you've really been waiting for, obviously, is the dramatic conclusion to all of the amazing scenarios we briefed you with yesterday. However, you will have to keep waiting because tonight, folks, we talk about cooking.

Lesson #1: they tell you to use rubber gloves when cutting jalapenos. You should listen to whoever "they" are. This is a fact that we know; however, one of us will be sitting with her hands in a bowl of cold milk in about ten minutes.

Lesson #2: while delicious, pomegranates are almost as huge a pain in the ass to cut as mangos. And while said recipe called for four pomegranates to equal two cups of seeds, we will be eating pomegranate seeds for the next week-and-a-half. Muffins, anyone? Fruit cocktail? Omelets?

Lesson #3: how the hell are you supposed to "finely chop" an orange? We are pretty sure that out of the two oranges we "finely chopped," only half of one actually made it into the salsa.

Lesson #4: double-check your shrimp, as "peeled and de-veined" might not actually mean "peeled and de-veined." Also make sure you have someone who is able to handle that part of meal preparation.

Lesson #5: if you are wanting to create a cheap and quick dinner in order to catch a conference call, a.) do not choose this expensive, time-consuming, labor-intensive recipe, and b.) check the date for the conference call.

Boob Rashes and Sprained Ankles

Well, the title pretty much says it all: why we haven't blogged for almost exactly three months. It's been fun, and you can thank us later for sparing you the details.

Remember how we talked not once but twice about our neighbors being careful who they elect for public office? Apparently they don't read this blog. We want to make you aware of a couple of facts:

1. One has to have a college degree to hold even a temporary, stand-in job in a certain business. However, one apparently does not have to have a college degree to exercise power in said business.

2. One can be selected to oversee decisions that impact others in our community despite being brought to court for his own irresponsibility.

Just sayin', readers: just sayin'.

In addition, to our civics lesson for the day, we decided to start our reentry into the blogging world with a few highlights from the last couple of months. Stay tuned for the stories in their entirety:

1. 2:15 a.m. (15 minutes after bar close): "I know you're leaving early in the morning for a 16-hour drive, but I'd like to give you a goodbye you'll remember. I only need 15 minutes." If by 15 you mean three, we think we're just going to keep sleeping.

2. 6:34 p.m. (after the world's longest first date): "If you ever try to mess with my family, you won't live to regret it! Also, you just missed out on the biggest **** you've ever seen!" Shucks.

3. 8:01 p.m. (shortly after our friend gets off the cruise ship in Miami, and four days after we dropped him off at the airport for said company vacation): "So, he totally hooked up with a 21-year-old from Dubuque." Shockingly, we haven't heard from him since.

4. 7:46 p.m. (on a first date): "I don't normally tell people this, but I'll tell you. I work at Adventureland." If only mouse ears were involved...

5. 9:15 p.m. (while hanging out with Thing One): Twinkle Toes says, "Maybe her friend wants to come over, too!" Um, doubt it.

6. 2:15 p.m. (while on a blind date): "..." We wish there were sound bytes, but alas, he did not say a word, so we proceeded to get blindingly drunk.

7. 2:34 a.m. (after being called twice and finally answering): "I am just so attracted to you. Like, I really like you. It's too bad we work together. Do you have friends with you?" Um, do you have any friends with you? Preferably friends who don't pretend to be single and whose cover is totally blown after seeing the car-seats.

8. 7:56 p.m. (during a dinner meeting for which the focus was our mutual work for a non-profit): capital "R" reason for moving to Iowa (and only other local volunteer for the non-profit organization) walks in with his new girlfriend: with jaw hitting the floor, nothing but a baffled stare. (Perhaps there isn't a sound byte to share because we contacted his other ex-girlfriend and unraveled six years of lies.)

9. 6:12 p.m. (on a first date): Why, Rocco, did you feel the unicycle was an appropriate mode of transportation for a 29-year-old? (Sadly, Rocco is not one of our made-up names and is, in fact, the only real name we've ever used on this blog.)

10. 3:34 a.m. (from a boy we met once): "Hey." Again, "hey" is not an appropriate way to start a conversation - especially at 3 a.m. - even more especially when we only met you once.

11. 10:20 p.m. (while we bloggers were on a long-distance call with each other and did not switch over to answer an incoming call): voicemail from Thing One: "I'm never f$%#ing coming over there again!" His anger lasted about 17 hours, as he bought us sushi the next night.

Stay tuned for the sequel! Hopefully it'll be more tomorrow than three months.