B is for Booze

We have decided that we are going to take a hiatus from talking about our number one favorite topic (bitching about boys) and are instead going to talk about our number two favorite topic: booze. Generally, we enjoy booze because it makes us funnier, smarter, cuter, better dancers and singers, more outgoing and willing to take chances; clearly, it only strengthens our best features. While we are content drinking on our couches and with our friends, we also subscribe to the following notion: "The family that drinks together, stays together." Thus, we have enjoyed a variety of familial drinking experiences this summer.

Recently, one set of parents visited from Florida, and as we were discussing all of the social events here in Iowa, step-mommy-dearest interjected with, "Does everything here involve drinking in some way, shape, or form?" Um, yes. This was a surprising question, considering that we come by our drinking problems honestly; neither one complained when we pulled out the two bottles of wine we stowed in the picnic basket for our six-hour tour of the Bridges of Madison County. They are good sports and whole-heartedly embraced the drinking philosophy of Iowa: "There's Nothing To Do Here But Drink." In fact, they even attended our friends' half-birthday celebration, which included midnight tree climbing (unsafe), road flares as birthday candles (dangerous), tiki torches at one of the city's busiest intersections (illegal), sprinkler enemas in the sculpture garden (immature), and too many trips down the slip 'n slide (really fun).* Awkward moment: trying to introduce your father to your friends who had apparently decided to take a nap in the middle of the multi-million-dollar sculpture garden. Dad didn't care; after all, we had also been drinking all day.

Because we are such philanthropists - and huge fans of open bars - we joined a second set of parents in Omaha for a charity event in the not-so-distant past. 'Tinis & Tunes was a benefit for the Ribbon Foundation and took place in the parking lot of the hair salon, which was transformed into a beach oasis...sort of. Shockingly, we steered away from our typical drink of choice (wine) and went straight to the liquor bar, chugging down copious amounts of vodka and gin tonics. Yum. These drinks helped us be not only the first ones on the dance floor (remember, we are really good dancers after drinking), but we were the only ones on the dance floor. Did we care? Nope. After all, we were by far the youngest people there and were only doing our young-person duty: we got the party started. Did we embarrass ourselves? Quite possibly. Did we make Mama proud? Most definitely. And, we won door prizes.

Just two days ago, we further strengthened familial ties by bonding over alcohol at our sister's going-away party...which took place at none other than a frat house. In addition to all of the well-wishes for our sister, the evening's activities included a rousing game of Circle of Death, heckling the losers during Catchphrase (yes, pointing fingers and screaming, "YOU LOSE!" did happen), and investigating the source of the persisting vomit stench. Please do not think we were there cougar-ing it up, searching for fresh meat; but what girl doesn't jump at the opportunity to go to a party on Greek Street?!

Perpetuating drinking among family members, we invited Sister and Her Boyfriend over for dinner tonight and cooked a delicious meal of tilapia with a puttanesca relish over parmesan orzo. Oh, with wine, of course.** And Trivial Pursuit.

Tilapia with Puttanesca Relish and Parmesan Orzo

*Interestingly, this same party prompted the hostess the following day to ask, "Where were the grown-ups at this party?"
**If anyone would like to spring for a 28-day stay at a facility in Malibu, please email us.

Disclaimer: we may be drunk, but we ain't stupid: a designated driver accompanied us to each of these endeavors.

I'm Ready For My Close-Up, Mr. DeMille...

To begin, we would like to talk about a recent publicity stunt we somehow pulled off - or, in retrospect, completely failed. A few months after soliciting ourselves for the singles issue of the local newspaper (and our desperate pleas for more attention ignored), they contacted us for an article about being "single in the city." Of course, we jumped at this opportunity: we are shameless self-promoters and had been featured in this publication many times before. We spent endless time preparing: discussed potential questions, conferred with friends and family, read previous articles to see the format, fine-tuned our resumes, picked out the perfect outfit for the photo-shoot that was to be taken while we were at home and cooking, discussed with our stylist the best hair and make-up for photos, etc. We wanted to be presented as smart, sassy, career women; after all, we have multiple degrees, have traveled the world, and have ventured into careers that only the boldest take.

And this is what happened:

Phone Interview: one of us was stricken with a severe case of verbal diarrhea, and here are a few of the little turds that came floating out of our mouths:

• "I played an instrument in the high school orchestra and took a lot of art classes." Really? The violin 12 years ago? And in high school? I guess I've done nothing worthy of note since then... (Have you seen "Never Been Kissed"? Hey, Drew Barrymore is my celebrity doppelgänger.)
• "I pretty much hate this whole dating thing. I want to skip the dating stage and go straight to the relationship." Come and get me, boys!
• "The most romantic thing I've done is made scrapbooks for two of my boyfriends." Obviously that's every guy's dream. Those two guys are lucky I made theirs come true. So lucky, in fact, that they left the scrapbooks with me.
• Quote from best friend/co-blogger: "She chooses to see the good in people, which can be a bad thing sometimes when it comes to shady characters." Truer words were never spoken - have you read the blog?!

Photo Shoot: not the photo shoot we were expecting. Instead of coming to the apartment for a glamour shot of us cooking something absolutely gourmet, we were caught off guard drinking PBR tall-boys, the classiest of brews, in a downtown establishment. We tried to get them to use this picture...

And so we don't get sued...

...but all we heard was "copyright, blah blah blah, lawsuit, blah blah blah."

Clearly this was a huge success: the boys are breaking down the door.

He Sure Has Cojones!

Even though one of us is currently out of town getting paid for one of our all-time favorite activities*, we both felt that this story was just too good to keep from you any longer.

We recently got a call from Political Candidate. Had this been just a few months ago, this communication would not be such a shock; however, since we had not heard from him and since he neglected to respond to a few very important issues that occurred as a direct result of him, this call came completely out of the blue. While we contemplated letting him head straight to voicemail, we decided to take any opportunity to slash his machismo, figured that it had to be that good, and answered. This is the conversation:

Burned: Hello?

Political Candidate: Hi, Burned.

Burned: Hi, Political Candidate.

PC: Do you still have those GED books** that I left at your house awhile back?

Burned: Probably.***

PC: Well, do you think that if you find them we could make an arrangement for me to get those back?

Burned: Maybe.

PC: Okay. Well, if you could just let me know when you find them, I'd really appreciate it.

Burned: Goodbye.

Click.

(Please note how difficult - and liberating! - it is for us to assume a one-word-response persona. If you can't figure out through this venue, we like to talk. A lot. And we sure have a lot to say to this character!) So, after the two of us intelligent women discussed PC's obvious idiocy, we came up with a wonderful solution and called him back five minutes later:

PC: Hello?

Burned: Hi! So, I just found those books, and I'd be happy to give them to you...

PC: Oh, great!

Burned: ...as soon as you give me back the camera! (Spoken in a super peppy, sing-songy voice.)

PC: (Dumb silence.) What camera?

Burned: Oh, you know, the one I bought you for Christmas a week before you broke up with me.

PC: Oh, I don't have that anymore.

Burned: Totally fine! I'll take the money instead.

PC: Um...okay.

Burned: Okay, great! Talk to you later! Bye!

Click.

We must explain, dear readers: we are not spiteful, malicious, vindictive women. Instead, we are actually quite compassionate, kind, and caring. However, we make an exception with PC. This ignoramus accepted an expensive camera****, several other time-consuming and thoughtful gifts, and presents for his two children, all of which totaled a nice sum of money; in return, he gave us nothing but a break-up for Christmas. In essence, he stole from a poor, hardworking teacher - and feels no remorse. All of our benevolence is tossed to the side when dealing with a sociopath.

Because we are fairly certain we will not be receiving $200 from this fool, we generated a few alternative ideas:

1. Write informative messages and draw insightful pictures on every other page of the books and send one to his ex-wife (who we are certain is no longer an ex) and one to his boss.
2. Send the books with an informative letter to the community college to which the books belong.
3. Hand-deliver the books to his office and ask to speak with his boss, or stop by his ex(?)-wife's house and speak to her about the imbecile she married.
4. Hold on to them until the next political election he is daft enough to enter.
5. Keep them forever and ever.

And we are open to any other suggestions you may have! Please, please, please enlighten us!

Brown rice and pine nut tabbouleh

*Judging people - more on this when she returns

**His job entails him working with high school dropouts. (Please keep in mind that the only reason we are defending this is so that we don't look like idiots - if it helps you to envision him as a GED candidate himself, by all means, go for it!)

***They are currently on the floor next to the paper shredder, two feet from where we were sitting - along with two of his library books.

****This is in addition to the camera he most certainly stole from our parents. We only hope his current girlfriends and/or wives are enjoying this new technology.