Why are we telling you this, you may ask? We are perplexed as to which came first: Randy's ridiculous behavior or his roommate Buck's blatant disrespect toward other human beings.
Background story:
When one of us started "dating" (again, we use that term loosely) Randy, Randy was adamant about hooking the other up with his roommate, Buck. We thought this was a great idea: how fun would it be for two best friends to be dating two fall in love with and marry roommates?! We were thinking double wedding, houses right next to each other, naming our children after one another - you get the picture. It was going to be grand.
And it was!
When we started dating (yes, term used loosely yet again), things were wonderful: Buck is well-traveled, he is intelligent, he is well-versed in the arts, he is relatively attractive, he is older (more mature, right?), he is a great father, he is a runner and in great shape, he is a dog lover, he loves to cook and drink wine, and the list could go on and on.
Red Flag #1 (it was only a matter of time): "I didn't think I'd like you because I don't date redheads."
Red Flag #2: "I usually only date stupid, vapid blondes about half my age."
Red Flag #3: "You have a unique face."
Red Flag #4: "I can recommend a great aesthetician - my baby mama."
(Red Flags #1-4 were actually said in one sentence - one breath that came out of his mouth. Awesome.)
Red Flag #5: while one of us was trying to sober up Randy for that high-class charity event, urging him to stop asking Buck to accompany us, Buck finally mentioned that he could not attend because he had an "overnight guest" coming, and he had to clean the house. After we picked our jaw off the floor, we quickly left the vicinity because we believed it to be "girl code" to avoid situations in which your best friend's man was sleeping with another woman. Side note: when we returned in the morning, we noticed that "Bobbi with an 'i'" drives a red IROC Camaro, and we therefore assumed she looked like this:
Classy. And after some clever stalking on a popular social networking site, it was confirmed that "Bobbi with an 'i'" does, in fact, wear shoulder pads.
Red Flag #6: After "Bobbi with an 'i'" went back to southern Missouri/northern Arkansas (aren't they the same thing?), we had not heard from Buck for several days until we received this gem of a message: "I have an opening in my schedule Friday morning at 9:30 if you wanna come by and hang out." We're so glad you could fit us into your schedule; did your hair appointment cancel? (Interesting side note: as we were arriving to that "appointment," Randy arrived as well, and Randy and Buck had a "secret" conversation about how Randy had spent the night "elsewhere." [Another interesting side note: that "elsewhere" was not with us.])
Red Flag #7: Buck and Randy clearly did not notice our blatant disapproval of their extraneous relationships, and one of us went to their house for dinner - and met Buck's "friend." (Interestingly, she was a stupid, vapid blonde. Also interestingly, she was not half his age and was instead a grandmother. Although we are not sure if, at 42-years-old, that is something you should be proud of, and we are also not sure that ultrasound pictures are appropriate for the dinner table. But we're not judging... Okay, we're judging.)
After this lovely encounter, we did not hear from Buck for days - until he called, out-of-the-blue, asking us to meet at one of our favorite establishments. Fueled by half a bottle of cheap chardonnay, we ripped him a proverbial "new one." (Of course we didn't do that; you should know by now our strength is passive-aggressiveness.) However, we did have a come-to-Jesus meeting. But did he listen? No: when our back was turned, he told his friend how much he loved to be degraded, and how his favorite pet-name was "emotional disaster." Clearly the message did not hit home.
Moral of the story: we sincerely thought that dating roommates would be an amazing happily ever after; the boys, on the other hand, likely despised the fact (or completely forgot due to their alcohol-induced stupidity) that we actually talked to one another, completely revealing their meandering ways.
And we leave you with this charming picture: walking into yet another of our favorite neighborhood establishments and seeing Randy and Buck sidled up to the bar, accompanied by a girl wearing jorts and a rather portly woman who slings barbecue for a living. You're welcome.
