Bated Breath?

Even though we haven't heard from you, most likely because it is a sensitive topic and you are embarrassed to ask, we know you're wondering about the aforementioned boob rash and sprained ankle. So, we'll tell you.

Boob Rash: there's a rash on a boob, perhaps from a spider. That's about it.

Sprained Ankle: it's big, and it hurts. That's about it.

The Discovery Channel called us yesterday for further details, but we're holding them off until we get an agent.

What you've really been waiting for, obviously, is the dramatic conclusion to all of the amazing scenarios we briefed you with yesterday. However, you will have to keep waiting because tonight, folks, we talk about cooking.

Lesson #1: they tell you to use rubber gloves when cutting jalapenos. You should listen to whoever "they" are. This is a fact that we know; however, one of us will be sitting with her hands in a bowl of cold milk in about ten minutes.

Lesson #2: while delicious, pomegranates are almost as huge a pain in the ass to cut as mangos. And while said recipe called for four pomegranates to equal two cups of seeds, we will be eating pomegranate seeds for the next week-and-a-half. Muffins, anyone? Fruit cocktail? Omelets?

Lesson #3: how the hell are you supposed to "finely chop" an orange? We are pretty sure that out of the two oranges we "finely chopped," only half of one actually made it into the salsa.

Lesson #4: double-check your shrimp, as "peeled and de-veined" might not actually mean "peeled and de-veined." Also make sure you have someone who is able to handle that part of meal preparation.

Lesson #5: if you are wanting to create a cheap and quick dinner in order to catch a conference call, a.) do not choose this expensive, time-consuming, labor-intensive recipe, and b.) check the date for the conference call.