Excuses, Excuses

In lieu of no new potentials (and, in fact, because of the demise of previous possibilities), we have decided to turn our conversation to one of our favorite past-times, something that occupies most of our waking moments: making excuses for guys' ridiculous and completely unreasonable (and by most standards, completely inexcusable) behavior. Is it an exercise in creativity? Complete fiction? Or delusional tendencies?

On our part: all of the above.

For example, maybe he hasn't called us in the last six months because he is in a Thai prison. Or quarantined with H1N1 (or a hot, sexy, tropical disease). Or, and this one's for real, buying a house.

For example, he didn't tell us he had two children from two previous relationships because someone just made that up - he would've told us if that were the truth.

For example, his lack of communication skills are the result of growing up on the streets of East Los Angeles, and we are completely okay with this because former gang life is an endearing quality and one we seek out in potential mates.

For example, the fact that he has girlfriends in nearly every state of this country is reflective of him not feeling he has a home here, as he immigrated from Guatemala in eighth grade; he is just trying to find his identity as a new American.

For example, he does not really have a drinking problem, despite him passing out and drooling on himself in his running vehicle in our driveway and receiving two OWIs because he does go to work everyday and is very successful.

For example, he wears a Hooters waitress outfit because it's funny any day of the year, not just October 31st. Right? RIGHT?!

For example, it's okay to have two girlfriends of the same name in the same graduate program at the same school because hey, it cuts down on conversational confusion.

For example, you can do whatever you want to do because hey, you were in the Olympics.

For example, you can grab our boobs in public in front of our professional colleagues because we have the same values. (Um...those values are...oops: we need to reevaluate this one.)

For example, it's understandable that he has problems committing to one relationship because he has been armchair-diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder as a result of his crappy childhood. (Keep in mind, this is not an official diagnosis: one of us may have - and use liberally - a copy of the DSM.)

For example, maybe he hasn't called us because he's been out of town. For the last six weekends.

For example, maybe he calls every night at 2 a.m. because we are so amazing, and he is too shy and needs some liquid courage to talk to us.

For example, his stunted social skills are a result of him growing up in a small, rural community; really, man-ginas aren't funny...to anyone...anywhere.

For example, after spending a weekend together, we are sure that their hasty departure had to do with them needing to be back in the office...stat.

For example, we are sure he didn't pick one of us up an hour late from the airport and drop us off three hours early while she was throwing up from the movie theater hot dog (apparently this qualified as a dinner date for the girl who flew from Iowa to California, the girl who paid for the plane ticket and the hotel room), because he had a rough childhood growing up and, again, grew up amidst gang-life in LA.

Interestingly, gang-life and crappy childhoods seem to be great excuses - we mean reasons...REASONS, people - for ridiculous (but oddly acceptable) behavior.

And now for the food that we turn to for comfort in times like these... In ode to our ethnic, alcoholic, maladjusted, gangsta ex-boyfriends...mojitos.